On the eve of my 39th birthday, I am reflecting on the most significant decade of my life. Gail Sheehy in her reknowned book “Passages” calls it the “Catch 30s” decade: a time to make, break or deepen life commitments. This is indeed true for me. In the past 10 years: I had a fairytale wedding, a heartbroken divorce, a pause in corporate career, a journey of self discovery through a magical kingdom in Africa, a new life creation, nurturing a child, the enduring journey of motherhood, partnering in a startup and still learning, creating and most importantly growing.
If someone had asked me a decade ago, what I imagined my life to be, never in a million years would I have said nor imagined this. A decade ago, I thought my life was on a trajectory to the normal 2.4kid family in the suburbs. I was young and stubborn and didn’t realise that a marriage needed two people to work on kindness and compassion (read John Gottman!), our respective careers made loneliness in our marriage the norm, whilst we slaved away in our corporate jobs, we saw little of each other, and feeling stressed and lonely, I was too quick to throw the toys out of the pram and give up.
After that, together with the forced pause in my corporate career, came the journey of destruction: I tried to experience everything I didn’t get the chance to see whilst in a long term relationship in my 20s: fleeting romances; drinking way too much and wholeheartedly had no idea what the hell I was doing.
One day, a friend of mine pulled me aside in the midst of complete self destruction and said she didn’t want to be my friend anymore because she thought I was turning into an ugly person. I was shocked and shamed. I had no idea. I had always held myself to this ground that “hey, I’m doing what I need and not hurting anyone in the process” but what if I was? What if i was leaving a trail of broken promises and hurt feelings in the wake of my journey?
I spent more time mediating, cue the silent retreats and spiritual catholic workshops where I prayed, chanted, begged for enlightenment. It was the first time in my life where I was forced to stop and sit still, not think, not feel, just breathe and be present. To this day, I am surprised at how centred, happy and elated I felt in this process. I was closer to God and felt the beginnings of new life.
In the midst of this, my application to volunteer at an NGO in Lesotho was approved and I ventured off: semi dazed, secretly frightened out of my wits but succumbing myself to new adventures. My other option was to travel through South America on my own, but since my application was approved, i saw this as God’s Plan.
Living in Africa is indescribable: scattered amongst the poverty of village communities with no running water, outdoor toilets and kids who have nothing more than mud to play with, are happy smiling faces, the most incredible sunsets, and peace. Whilst I lived in relative luxury, our lodging was still fairly basic. Little insulation meant freezing ice boxes (I got quite good at building fires!), no water in the morning with taps frozen over and concern over safety meant we were to stay indoors after dark. Most of all, being highly extroverted, I was lonely for company. There exists a small expat community, we are grouped together not because we like one another (of course we do!) but also because there are no other options. I would never forget my first night there where I was invited to a home with 20 other expat aid workers gathered in a tight space to watch an overt gay movie. The silence in the room was palpable, I was wondering if there would be an orgy after the movie and what I had signed myself up to!
In all honesty, there is nothing like “finding yourself” in a place like Africa. My journey there was wonderful, I had found a beautiful soul in my house mate, had a youthful fling, and most of all learnt my limitations. On the day when the political coup started an uprising and began shooting up the police station close to my house, I decided enough was enough. I ventured to Cape Town and decided to make it my home. I found a room in a house, and moved in with the intent of staying for 3 months and if I liked it I would move there permanently. During this time, I did the things I loved best: went on trail races, danced ballet, attended workshops and met people. I was beginning to enjoy my own company again when I met Brett. He was attractive, tall, handsome and looking for the same things in life. He was introverted where I was extroverted, he was a planner where I was spontaneous, and he shared the same birthday as my best friend in HK! I couldn’t believe it, it was a sign! The few months we spent together were amazing, he showed me his city, the trails and mountains, we even went on holiday back to Lesotho. We parted ways when I had to leave and I promised I would return when my visa was approved.
Back in Melbourne, my parents anguished at their lost soul daughter traveling in crime-ridden-rape-capital Africa. Furiously stubborn, I wanted to exert my independence that this is my life! I will do what I want with it. They prayed and prayed for me to stay in Melbourne, I countered that I was staying as long as it took for my South African visa to be approved.
I guess praying works.
I was 9 weeks pregnant.
I called Brett, a seemingly mature 41yo male suddenly attacked my judgement, accused me of trapping him and wanted nothing to do with the baby or me. All of a sudden, my world came crashing down. When I found out about being pregnant, I couldn’t stop crying. I had always wanted a baby, but was this the way?
I was 35yo, unemployed, living with my parents and pregnant: what the hell am I going to do? “Suck it up Felicia. Yup you heard me , suck it up, you can do this, it’s the way it’s meant to be”, said a voice in my head.
With support from my parents, so many donations, help and advice from friends, my pregnancy was an absolute joy; i delivered my baby naturally at 39 weeks.
At the end of the day, the cliche is true, there is no greater love than the love you feel for your child. There is no greater motivation than children, God made it this way.
And with baby around 1 year old, my ex work colleague who founded a startup offered me a role in Hong Kong which I couldn’t refuse, an opportunity to work in a dynamic start up but most of all, an opportunity to collaborate and create with the best team in the industry. So along with baby in tow, I made the move to Hong Kong. Hired a helper and started a new career at 38 years old.
Today, I am 39 years old, Single mother to a toddler, I am a giver, a nurturer, a daughter, an employer, an employee, a self-confessed critic, a hoarder, a sentimentalist, a wannabe writer, a budding psychologist, a Zumba addict, an ice-cream lover, an outdoor enthusiast, a risk taker, an adventurer, a party animal, a home maker, a persuasive negotiator, a comprising partner, a slow burn but a firecracker, a crazy dancer, a closet performer, a good listener, young at heart, forever striving to be better, but most importantly knowing I am enough. I am enough because I am me. Ready for my final year in my 30s before rocking it into my 40s. Whatever will the next decade bring? Bring it on, I am ready!